I knew the time would come when when you would no longer breastfeed, I just didn't think it would come so soon. Soon you say? Yes, soon. You are only approaching 16 months, and although I didn't have a specific amount of time in mind, I just became accustomed to my very enthusiastic nursing baby, err, I mean toddler. Yes, you are walking, talking, running, jumping, but you are still, and always will be, my baby boy.
I'm amazed at how fast the past 16 months have gone. In the blink of an eye you became a little boy with a smile for days, laughter that fills my entire heart, and energy that could fuel an army. But when I look back at our first moments -- after a long, long labor, when you made your grand entrance, and there you were -- baby boy Beach was lying on my stomach looking at me (so alert!) ready for action. Within moments, you were able to latch on. I couldn't have been happier. The first few days were tough, and by tough, I mean ouch! It hurt every time you latched on -- my nipples cracked and bled, but I was nursing and you were growing! At your first pediatricians visit 2 days after leaving the hospital, you had gained back the 4 oz lost at the hospital, and gained an additional 3/4 of a pound. I felt like a mom with super milk! It was all the motivation I needed to keep going!
And then came your reflux at 4 weeks old, which caused so much pain to all of us. All you wanted to do was eat, and then cried after eating because your stomach was all in knots, and then wanted to eat more because the milk made your stomach feel better, and round and round we went. Figuring out dairy was our problem, I eliminated all dairy and all milk protein from my diet. A tough undertaking for a vegetarian, but we didn't want meds in your pristine baby system, so if it meant Momma had to eat upside down and "jam" the entire 1993 Phish summer tour, so be it. I would do it. And I did. Once again: happy baby. (Okay, I didn't have to "jam" to Phish, but that would have made for a happy Daddy too!)
We've had some ups and downs over the past 16 months, haven't we? I thought you were weening at 9 months, but it was just you being you and by "you" I mean being busy by standing and learning to walk and not wanting to take time out of your busyness to stop and nurse. But we got back on track, as we always had and continued on our journey. You grew fast -- always in the 90th percentile in height and 55th in weight. (Let's not talk about the head, because that just goes back to whole "it took a long time for you to enter this world" story). You started to walk, run, jump, talk and could communicate when you wanted to nurse. Sure sure, it took you awhile to sleep through the night -- maybe a bit of my own fault because as tired as I was, I didn't mind nursing you at 5am. I loved those moments, all our moments. And the fact that you didn't get sick until you were 13 months was even more motivation to keep going. And just as we have settled into a morning and night routine, you look up at me with those big blue eyes with lashes for days and simply say, "no no Mama", jump off my lap and speed off to your next adventure. My heart ached as my tiny baby was no longer a baby anymore.
To put it simply: I am amazed at the human body and all it does to bring a child into this world and then feed that child for so many months. I'm not going to fool you or anyone into thinking that it was picturesque, because it wasn't. The picture perfect woman with that glow (hot flashes!) in a rocking chair with perfectly curled hair and baby nursing so sweetly in her arms. Nope, not me. I was a hot mess after giving birth, but I will cherish those first pictures of us nursing forever. Nursing isn't easy, your breasts leak and hurt, and it takes awhile to get in the groove. But once you do: it's great and I wouldn't trade it in for anything.
I'm proud of you darling little man -- that you were ready to stop on your own, because I don't think I would have ever pushed it. When people asked how long I would nurse you, my reply was always "until Henry wants to stop", and that's exactly what happened -- I just didn't think it would be this soon. If you are truly ready, then I will try to be too. If you ask for more, I will do my best to provide. I'm trying to be okay with this big step. I'm trying to hide my tears, but after 16 months there's an emptiness that will be very hard to fill. But if you would rather me hold you and rock you before bed, I'm going to cherish those moments the same as I have cherished all the others. I'm looking forward to all the milestones that are waiting for us on this amazing journey, I just hope I can keep up with you.
I love you, Henrypie.
Love,
Mama
